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Three years ago the cops came to my house and forced me to go to the local hospital. I had been drunk all day and took too many sleeping pills. Worse, I made the mistake of telling some woman I knew in AA and had an on-going email conversation with how many pills I had taken. She called the cops.

It was early evening. The cops followed me around the house and watched as I got dressed. I felt humiliated but too spaced out to complain. Plus, as an old-timer I was taught to respect the cops and generally thought they were people trying to do the right thing.

So I got taken via cop car to the hospital emergency room. I spent most of the evening and night there. They did more medical tests than I had had in the previous decades of my existence. At some point, a CSW came in to interview me, I am guessing to get a sense of the seriousness of my mental state. Once I got “sober” under their watchful eye, I was discharged during the early morning of the next day.

Two months later I wrote to the hospital and asked for the records from my internment in their ER. I read through the doctor’s, nurse’s and CSW’s notes with some degree of fascination. I was surprised at how garrulous I was. Then came the shocker. Somewhere in my conversation with the social worker I said that I had been sexually abused as a child. Is that what I meant? I knew I had been physically and mentally abused by my father, but I had never before said or thought anything about sexual abuse.

So, now I am wondering about this. Did I say it to the CSW because I was so spaced out that my unconscious felt free enough to mention a long-repressed memory? Did I just make it up because I felt that I had been sexually abused? Or did I say something else and the social worker did not hear me correctly and wrote it down as “sexual abuse” when I really meant “physical abuse?”

After reading the report I have tried many times to search my memory for some indication that I had been sexually abused. I cannot remember anything like that. If it had happened, I would not be surprised — there was plenty of dysfunction in both my immediate family and in the extended family. But I cannot remember this from my childhood. I do think that later in life an aunt acted inappropriately towards me, but it was not abuse.

So, I end this in a quandary and a question: Was I really sexually abused or just made it up during that interview?

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