Sunday was the closest I’ve come to drinking again. I was miserable all day and it lasted into the night and kept me from sleeping. I woke up Monday morning berating myself for being so anti-social, alone, purposeless.
The only reason I did not drink is that I am flat broke — I mean penniless! I don’t have money to put gas in my car or to buy booze. It seemed that the more I agonized over my destitute condition, the more I craved a drink. I know that if I had the means to do so I would have gone out and bought a bottle of Gordons.
In the middle of the afternoon I returned a call to Carol, a former high school classmate who is also in recovery. I could sense that she really had no interest in talking to me. She is like that — one day she is eagerly telling me she is flying out to see me, the next time she has no use for me at all. I hung up feeling more miserable than when I called.
Miraculously, on Monday I felt calm and at peace by the late afternoon. I finished a lot of school work in the morning and wrote a short memo for Jody in the afternoon. Suddenly I became aware that the aching cravings were gone, I felt human again. Part of it, no doubt, is just the physical changes I went through. The other part is that I felt somewhat useful and purposeful by getting my work done. The recognition of the extreme difference in my mood astonished me. During past recoveries I found that if I could just postpone acting on a negative emotion, I would eventually settle down and get past it.
But Sunday was a tough one!