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Over the years, one of the most frequently read posts on this blog concerns the physical punishment of children. My position is clear and unambiguous: any physical discipline of children is a form of abuse.
Of course, adults have a way of rationalizing all of their sick behaviors, including beating and humiliating their own children. Several have taken the time to write and defend spanking, hitting, physical abuse. The excuses all fall into certain categories:
“I was spanked and haven’t murdered anyone (yet), so it’s OK to beat my kids.”
“Children need discipline and if it takes a spanking to get their attention, so be it.”
“Spanking really doesn’t do any harm. My children were spanked and they are all good, productive members of society.”
“Spanking has nothing to do with me and my need to control things. I do it for the children.”
“There’s no permanent damage, physically or psychologically, so what’s the big deal?”
Well, for those of you who are fans of corporal punishment, there’s a true story from North Carolina about a mother and father who thought they were doing the right thing. Their 13 year-old was not behaving the way they wanted so they tied him to a tree to spend the night. No doubt the father and stepmother expected a change in perspective in their errant child. Instead, they ended up with a corpse and murder and felony child abuse charges.
According to an Associated Press report:
A 13-year-old left tied to a tree as punishment for 18 hours in June had been badly beaten and likely died from dehydration and heat stroke, an autopsy report showed. The report, made public Monday, also says Tyler McMillan’s body was covered with insect bites and he had bruises caused by a rod-like instrument and flesh missing from his buttocks. Marks on his wrists and ankles show he may have been restrained with plastic ties. Authorities say Tyler McMillan’s parents found him unresponsive on June 12 after he had been tied to a tree overnight as punishment. His father, Brice McMillan, and stepmother, Sandra McMillan, have been charged with murder and felony child abuse.
The report says Tyler McMillan’s body temperature was 105.6 degrees when he arrived at the hospital. Brice McMillan told a deputy the teen was tied to a tree and forced to sleep outside on June 10 because he was being disobedient. Tyler McMillan was released the next morning, but again tied up that night for bad behavior. Both parents are scheduled to appear in an Edgecombe County courtroom on Jan. 13, 2009.
You can read the AP story here.
I know that most of the parents who abuse their children by spanking, hitting, and humiliating them will proclaim that their behavior has nothing in common with what happened to this teen. Let me ask: Do you think the parents in this case thought of themselves as abusers? Killers?
Of course not!
They thought they were doing the right thing and were acting in the best interests of the child. And so, most parents who hit their kids deny any long term consequences and always excuse what they do for the reasons I listed above.
But once you act violently towards your children, you have crossed the line from parent to abuser, from someone focused on helping your child become a self-sufficient, mentally and physically healthy adult, to a tyrant who thinks he has a right to impose his self-will over another, helpless being. Once you believe you have that right — and that God-given duty — you can easily convince yourself that you have the right to hit harder, more often, more painfully, more destructively.
From there, the path from a “gentle spanking” to murder and felony child abuse charges is a lot shorter than you think.
What people don’t understand is that we teach our children violence by acting violently around them.
Next we need to understand that the same hubris that we believe gives us the right to abuse our children is the same anthropomorphic narcissism that allows us to slaughter animals because we can.
– Frank
PS For one of the most astounding books on the effects of physical discipline on children (and the hidden reasons why adults physically punish children), I strongly recommend For Your Own Good by Alice Miller. I’ve created a link to the book on Amazon.com. There’s no “sale” here for me — I don’t make a penny. My reward is passing along great advice and insights from Dr. Miller.
From our local newspaper:
Article Date: Sunday, January 6, 2008
CONCORD — A Franklin woman who allegedly beat a child’s hands and buttocks with a belt has been indicted on two Class B felony charges of second-degree assault.Michelle Hardy, 37, also known as Michelle Talbot, of 118 Elkins St., is alleged to have caused contusions on the body of an 11-year-old boy. Hardy allegedly struck the boy on the back of his hands and on his buttocks multiple times with a belt on Sept. 20.
The grand jury also returned two Class A misdemeanor charges of simple assault against Hardy, charging that she sat on the victim’s back, choking him and striking the palms of his hands with the belt on the same date in Franklin.
A Franklin man was indicted on a Class B felony charge of second-degree assault for allegedly striking a baby multiple times in the head causing contusions in Franklin in October.
Bryan St. John, 18, of 400 Central St., #4, was also charged with a Class A misdemeanor of reckless conduct for allegedly holding a stuffed teddy bear over the same victim’s mouth until the infant was gasping for air.
Here’s a news story worth reading. . . .
Is hot saucing discipline or abuse?
By JAMES BAKER, Staff Writer
FOSTERS ONLINE
DOVER, NH
You’ve just instructed your 7-year-old son to pick up his toys, and he’s responded by launching a torrent of expletives in your direction.
How should you discipline him?
One child-rearing author suggests parents skip the hickory stick and administer discipline with a different sort of sting.
It’s called “hot saucing,” or “hot tonguing” in some circles. Thought to have roots in Southern culture, this method of discipline entails dabbing a fingertip-full of hot sauce on a misbehaving child’s tongue. In theory, at least, the child will remember the temporary discomfort long after the burning sensation subsides.
In an interview earlier this week on “Good Morning America,” former television personality Lisa Whelchel advocated the use of a few drops of hot sauce on a child’s tongue, especially when other forms of discipline have failed.
“It does sting, and the memory stays with them so that the next time they may actually have some self-control,” said Whelchel, who played Blair on the 1980s series “Facts of Life.” Whelchel, who is also a former Mousketeer, wrote of the technique in her book, “Creative Correction: Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline,” published in 2000.
Whelchel’s comments drew a mixed reaction from the general public, some calling the idea distasteful and others suggesting that it might be effective. Out of some 8,000 responses to an unscientific survey on the Web site ABCnews.com, 35 percent said “hot saucing” was a legitimate form of discipline and 65 percent said it was not.
Comments from local experts ranged from outrage to conditional acceptance.
Kathleen McCartney, a former psychology professor at the University of New Hampshire and developmental child care and parenting expert now teaching at Harvard, said she would not advocate “hot saucing” as a disciplinary tactic.
“In general, children respond much better to positive reinforcement. It’s important to model behavior you want to see in your child.
“Parents need to build a trusting relationship with their children, and inflicting pain is not a way to accomplish that goal,” she said.
Murray Strauss, a psychology professor at the University of New Hampshire, also condemned “hot saucing,” referring to it as an “inhumane” form of discipline. “I think it’s analogous to briefly burning a child on the arm with a cigarette. It’s certainly no better than that. In my opinion that sort of disciplinary tactic lays the groundwork for a child growing up to become a cruel adult.”
Strauss said inflicting pain in this way can cause long-term damage to the parent-child relationship.
“Discipline is important, but how it’s meted out is crucial. When punishing a child, a parent needs to explain why in a consistent manner. Causing pain like this is humiliating, and it undermines the bond of trust,” he said.
But not every local expert consulted completely dismissed “hot saucing” as a constructive disciplinary tool.
Stan Rockafellow, pastor of the Eliot Baptist Church in Eliot, Maine, said that while he wouldn’t use “hot-saucing” with his own children, he wouldn’t judge a parent who did.
“We’ve gone through a long period in this country where corporal punishment has been viewed as destructive rather than constructive, and I think we’ve paid a price for that.
“God tells us children need to be guided, and I believe in the saying, ‘spare the rod, spoil the child.’ A parent needs to have the liberty to discipline as he or she sees fit, but it must be done with moderation, balance, purpose, and most of all, in a loving way,” he said.
The debate over “hot-saucing” has even extended to the level of state government.
According to a recent Washington Post article, a Michigan day care center was cited two years ago for “saucing” an 18-month-old child. The toddler’s mother purportedly gave the child care workers permission to use hot sauce to dissuade her son from biting other children.
In Virginia, the state’s child protective services agency lists “hot saucing” among disciplinary tactics it calls “bizarre behaviors.”
“We have to have some community standards for what’s appropriate to do to children,” said Betty Jo Zarris, manager of Virginia’s child protective services program.
“Common sense would tell you hot sauce is not appropriate for a child. The common man on the street would know this is offensive.”
And perhaps even dangerous.
In the same Washington Post article, Carlton Kendrick, a Boston-based family therapist, said parents who use the technique are at the very least “ill-informed,” pointing out that hot sauce can burn a child’s esophagus and cause the tongue to swel l a potential choking hazard.
Capsaicin, the substance that makes peppers hot, inflames membranes in the eyes, nose, and mouth. While some adults find this sensation pleasurable, capsaicin can cause negative reactions.
And there can be additional risks for children, according to Dr. Walter Hoerman, a Rochester pediatrician.
“The American Academy of Pediatrics believes that physical punishment doesn’t work, but this form of discipline is especially unusual.
“There are a lot of hot sauces that can burn , and a child’s mouth is more tender than an adult’s. There’s also the potential that a child would struggle and resist and aspirate the sauce into the lungs, which would be a major issue. I just don’t think it’s a safe idea.”
john Wesemann said:
This is a website for Idiots by Idiots ~ Children should have the fear of god in them for their parents ~ who else is going to teach them wrong and right ~ the world isnt all flowers and nice people ~ prepare your children ~ their are actual consequences to their actions ~ for those of you that dont spank your kids ~ your passing them off on society as a problem ~ I deal with spoiled children all the time ~ and I tell their parents Flat out that their responsable for them ~ if their kid comes to my yard acting all mean to my kids one of two things are gonna happen ~ I’m either whooping that kids ass or his fathers if he has one to claim ~ you people are fucking idiots and you make me sick ~ spoiling your kids instead of teaching them morals and honor ~
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Alex said:
John is going to hit the wrong man’s child one of these days. Real Men ™ don’t compensate their own shortcomings by hurting those who are smaller than them.
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c. rainbo said:
The problem is that the kinds of people who are hired and hire at human services departments are the same kind as the theologians who would meet to discuss such things as how many angels could fit on the head of a pin during medieval times. Human nature never changes. Laws change, attitudes change but human nature doesn’t. Corporal punishment is a part of training. If you don’t have to, great. This does not include sadistic treatments: time out in a darkened room, waterboarding, sitting with a dunce cap in front of the class, beating with a board or ruler over knuckles, pulling pants down and beating with an extension cord. Smacks with a hand, slipper, are fine as punctuation to an obstinate strong willed little fellow. Punches are not, neither is hot saucing or forcing them to eat their dinner when they are not hungry. Many people do not have the mother wit or common sense to tell the difference. Race, economics or class does not grant common sense to the individual. More people need to speak up and do something when they see abuse and take their chances on what happens next.
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DisciplineKids said:
Any kind of physical discipline is really punishment not discipline. The purpose of discipline is to help the child to make good choices and build strength of character from the inside. This will not happen using fear
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Tuszy said:
Okay so you don’t think physical discipline works in creating an open, independent, and confident child. Boy have I got news for you! The greater majority of those kids who only receive “positive reinforcement” end up with self entitlement issues. They believe that the world was made for them and that if something doesn’t go their way then they throw a fit. Good luck controlling your kids when their teenagers. My parents raised me in a home where morals took presence over everything else. If I cussed, I was sent to my room to think about what I had done until my dad could get away from taking care of my brothers to come and spank me. He would always talk to me first and remind me that he hated having to do it and that it only happened because I didn’t listen the first time I was told. If I ever yelled at someone outside of my family I would suffer immediate punishment because it is completely unacceptable. But the point is now that I am a teenager, I know better, I work hard to maintain my parent’s trust and confidence in me, and my parents and I will openly say that we are friends. Since most of you anti-discipline bug probably don’t have a very good relationship with a teenage son I don’t expect you to understand but when discipline is given in the right manor it will not damage the child but strengthen him and teach him that the world will not bend to meet his needs. I am a leader in my Church, respected by my peers and the adults who know me, I am almost never in trouble, and I love my parents deeply and thank them for disciplining me as a child.
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Marilyn said:
I am so excited to find this blog.
I have been an Alice Miller fan for 10 years.
I have never had the opportunity to talk to someone to has actually read her work and fully appreciates it.
I think Alice Miller has discovered the essence of pain that children experience from the most terrifying fear they can experience, rejection of who they are by their parents, the people they are most dependant on for acceptance and personal security.
I do understand the need to reject this reality and why millions of adults have done so. The terror that must be faced to accept fully the pain and destruction the torment of parental rejection has on ones identify is overwhelming and deeply threatening.
I speak with the experience of facing this fear slowly over many years and I take of my hat to anyone who takes the terrifying path to self acceptance.
Thanks for a great blog. I will keep coming back.
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bryon said:
how did the human race survive for so long if we have spent all these centuries spanking our offspring and dammaging them.it is a god given right not a govenment right to produce and raise children and like all people all are diffrent.there is a diffrence between abuse and disapline and the majority of parents know this and act responsibly.this is one issue where common sense should be applied by the individual families.
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Sarah said:
This is a great article. I agree physical abuse is absolutely absurd. I mean really, does your boss hit you every time you do something wrong? Whenever you get pulled over for speeding does the cop get out of his car and start beating on you? No. Adults misbehave and do it on purpose. Kids misbehave because they don’t understand they have done wrong, don’t understand actions have consequences (good or bad), they lack attention, or they are testing their boundries. Rarely do children actually misbehave just because they want to. There is usually some psychological reason or curiosity reason. Adults do things ten times worse than children, things that are horrible, horrible, horrible crimes and acts…do they get the same justice? NO! why should children? People are idiots who do hit their children, even spanking. I am writing a research paper on the long-term effects of physical discipline. I am glad I have read this blog because it has me fired up and ready to write! Oh and John W. you are the idiot. Fear of god? what the hell does that mean anyway? Not only is it grammatically incorrect, but it is also an invalid statement. This God you speak of is not a proven fact, it is a subjective idea. Whereas, physical abuse and discipline is harmful to children. The author of this article uses statistics and cited work to explain a theory in child-rearing. Where is your citations and proof?
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unknown said:
okay so my mother michelle talbot(Hardy) made some bad choices…i’m not trying to make any excuses for what my mother did, i know it was wrong on so many levels, but do they ever look to the child and there behaviors? my brother has many mental issues and at many times tried to harm me and my other 2 siblings, some times beating the crap out of our little brother who at the time was only 8, nights when i would wake up to see him starring at me just standing over my bed, chased us around the house with a knife, yea this “poor little defenseless boy” made our world a living hell!! oh and they never even proved she did this, i just know that i find this humiliating to see this on your website…
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Step-mom said:
I find a lot of value in having the opportunity to read everyone’s response to this webpage. Personally, I have a lot of skepticism about a completely unphysical disciplinary environment for young children. I have an 8 year-old step son, whom I love dearly. I never want to see this child hurt, but I know as an adult parental figure I have to be able to effectively set boundaries and guidelines for him to live by. As caring, passionate parents, how do we do this? There is not blue print manual that describes the step-by-step process of raising children so we are left to take a look at our own raising and see what worked for our parents. My step son is much too old for this now, but hypothetically. If my step-son threw a fit in the middle of the grocery store, what do I do? Tell him no, continue shopping and hope that he will stop. If he continues I look and feel like a fool, if I spank him I look like an abusive parent. The third option, I could just leave the store. This child may only be four; do you really think he will remember the significance of why we had to leave the store by the time we get home and I put him in time out? Children have limited attention spans, the cause and effect process must happen quickly. Sometimes a brief swat on the behind is a quick and effective way to get the attention of your screaming child. I do not feel that this is a means of discipline that should be used often, but only when the behavior has escalated to that level. If effective you should only have to spank a child once or twice in a given situation before they figure it out. As this website claims, I am apparently giving excuses for my evil behavior and mental process for raising children. However, I do feel that there are many children being raised today under the “no-spanking epidemic” who are exceptionally spoiled and do not understand consequence. We do not physically punish my step-son at his age because he does not implement behaviors that require a quick and attention getting punishment. We do take privileges away for unacceptable behavior and reinforce good behavior with rewards, but if he were to get totally out of control we may resort to a spanking. I am not saying that every family who does not spank is not capable of raising well rounded children with great morals and values. I am just saying that I do not feel that a light spanking is always going to lead to severe beatings like this website suggests. However, I do feel that the over use of physical punishment can be the result of the lack of effort as parents to punish and reinforce by other means. It really does take a lot more work to think of other ways to punish a child effectively, but that does not mean that a swat on the hind end is child abuse.
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Mom said:
I have a daughter and two grandchildren who are living with me she uses hot saucing method of discipling, I am so against this method and I express this to my daughter, she thinks I am getting in the way of her teaching or parenting , I love the children deeply and do not want to see them get hurt, she gaves them water afterwords,She has a 3 year old and a 10 year old . The little one will not stay in bed at night-time and the ten year old shares the room with the baby.
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rob Sander said:
I’m so tired of people equating spanking/corporal punishment,with abuse. I was spanked as a child;not abused. I work with kids who were abused,not spanked;there’s a huge differance. Most abused,(or spanked) kids do not kill as adults/not all killer adults were abused or spanked.
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PDeverit said:
Only suitable for minors?:
Schoolchildrens’ “spanking” related injuries (WARNING – These images may be deeply disturbing to some viewers. Do not open this page if children are present).
Click to access injuredkids.pdf
Reasonable and moderate? You decide.
(WARNING – This sound recording may be deeply disturbing to some listeners. Do not open this file if children are within listening range).
[audio src="http://nospank.net/prj-006.wav" /]
The “paddling” of minors:
Click to access paddlecard-8.5×11.pdf
People used to think it was necessary to “spank” adult members of the community, college students, military trainees, and prisoners. In some countries they still do. In our country, it is considered assault and battery (sexual battery at that) if a person over the age of 18 is “spanked”, but only if over the age of 18.
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PDeverit said:
Most current research:
Spanking Kids Increases Risk of Sexual Problems
http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2008/feb/lw28spanking.cfm
Use of Spanking for 3-Year-Old Children and Associated Intimate Partner Aggression or Violence
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/126/3/415
Spanking Can Make Children More Aggressive Later
http://tulane.edu/news/releases/pr_03122010.cfm
Spanking Children Can Lower IQ
http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2009/sept/lw25straus.cfm
Recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak
Click to access pt2010.pdf
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson
Click to access sdsc2.pdf
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor MD and Adah Maurer PhD
http://nospank.net/taylor.htm
“Spanking” can be intentionally or unintentionally sexually abusive (educational resources documentation, testimony, etc):
http://www.nospank.net/101.htm
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PDeverit said:
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child “spanking” isn’t a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics,
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
American Psychological Association,
Center For Effective Discipline,
Churches’ Network For Non-Violence,
United Methodist Church
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
Parenting In Jesus’ Footsteps,
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,
United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child.
In 31 nations, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child. The US also has the highest incarceration rate in the world.
The US states with the highest crime rates, poorest academic performance, highest obesity rates and health problems, and largest welfare caseloads are also the ones with the highest rates of child corporal punishment.
Of all the things prison inmates lacked in their upbringing, “spanking” certainly wasn’t one of them.
There is simply no evidence to suggest that child bottom-battering instills virtue.
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Brittany Talbot said:
So here we are 6 years later and this post\page is still up…so just a little up date on the boy who was “beaten” by my mother Michelle Talbot, so he now finds himself in this little thing called placement, for missbehaving, he faces charges himself..and he isn’t this little difensless child we make him out to be. Don’t get me wrong I love my brother with all my heart but don’t you think if he got such the beating he was made out to have gotten he would be in the situation he is in now…all he is going .to amount out to be is in a criminal, in jail, and going know where in life..he should have gotten a spanking here in there maybe he would have a better life…I got spankings from both parents and I am perfectly fine, attending college, a full time job and you bet I will disipline my kids with a little spank on the butt, when thwy deserve it, I will not let my kids walk all over me nd be this little spoiled prissy kid that you see now adays…oh and one more thing tell me how being split up and put into foster homes is benifical to the children..that’s what happened to us, but the system knows what’s best for us.
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Rake Morgan said:
Really, the “system” knows best. I have to respect your point of view and believe your comments should be a part of this record. Probably, as in my family, there is a lot of denial taking place, but I cannot judge you or your experience. Thank you for commenting here. Always feel your thoughts are welcome!
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