Love was simpler, more tentative before #MeToo.

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Nicole, a muse from MySpace

Nicole, a muse from MySpace

Wow, Rake I am really shocked.  I had no idea that you felt this way.  Sorry if I contributed to that in any way.  I thought maybe it was just a myspace problem.  I have to tell you that I was a little hurt by this action and freaked because I grew to trust you so and it felt really weird to be just eliminated like that.  I was doubting if I would ever open up and trust anyone on that stupid site again because I was worried that I gave u so much personal info about myself and I was like WTF is this some sort of science experiment to see how much people will tell u?   I was questioning my own sanity at feeling you and I had some sort of connection.  I am fine now, but wondering.  My mom figures some Obama supporter sabotaged your space.  I will not correct her.  I will let her think that unless you tell her otherwise. 🙂  I went to the quarterly and looked at it more closely last night than I ever had before.

I hope you come back  Rake because I truly enjoyed your blogs, letters, comments and friendship.   I sent you some messages on myspace you can just disregard those.  I also sent another friend request.

When you feel ready you can talk to me about what you feel disillusioned about…politics, life, love…what?

Did you have a nice weekend with your friend?  I hope so. The emails I sent earlier last week were all in fun just to tease and poke at you.  I hope you did not take offense.

Please keep in touch and I hope you feel better about things soon… What about your co-editor?  I get the feeling he is you…but no pressure to answer this question. Just a thought I had last night.

Hope to talk to you soon!!

Nicole
— On Mon, 7/7/08, Rake Morgan <rake@hillaryclintonquarterly.com>wrote:

From: Rake Morgan <rake@hillaryclintonquarterly.com>
Subject: MySpace
To: nicoleena1@yahoo.com
Date: Monday, July 7, 2008, 1:40 PM

Hi, Nicole —
 
It is a little embarrassing to have put you through so much trouble to contact me. I apologize. You might say that I have been on a mini “vacation” from life for a few days. With my friend coming to visit for a few days, I just felt overwhelmed and all my online activities seemed unreal to me so I dumped MySpace, stopped posting to A Rake’s Progress other than a July 4th graphic, and stopped updating the Quarterly.
 
I think I feel more disillusioned and disappointed these days than I have been willing to admit. This is not at all about you, I wish I could assure you of that. I enjoyed our banter, confessions, and harmless flirting. I need to regain my sea-legs here to get back to things.
 
Thanks for tracking me down and writing. I will stay in touch with you if that is OK.
 
— Rake
 
 

“Keeping Up With Hillary Since 1992.”

Rake Morgan
Co-Editor, The Hillary Clinton Quarterly
Editor, A Rake’s Progress

myspace is lonely without u.  I miss our friendship.                  nicole

Hide quoted text

Rake Morgan wrote:
>     Re: MySpace
>     H, Nicole —
>
>     I am glad that you responded by letting me know how my MS disappearance made you feel — I was so much into my own personal place that I did not think anyone would be concerned or have reason to be. In retrospect, especially in light of the things we discussed, I can understand how you felt. I hope I wrote SOMETHING that was at least a little revealing and indicative of my trust in you.
>
>     You need not worry — this is no experiment — science was never one of my strong points. I am an “arts and letters” kind of guy. Now I am very remorseful over the feeling that I left you with of not being able to trust other MS people. I apologize for that. Please be assured that whatever we wrote about stays with me and only me. No one in my non-MS life even knows you exist and it will stay that way. The other friends I had on MS were no doubt aware from our comments that we shared a lot in private, but they have never asked about or shown any interest in learning more and they would have to put in the Hanoi Hilton to get anything from me.
>
>     I do have a great deal of disillusionment over Hillary’s loss, especially after so many years of championing her and her causes. On MS I ended up feeling stuck in a corner because I know her presidential opportunity has passed but there was all this pressure to “never give up.” On the other hand I cannot tolerate Obama and felt like my refusal to back the party’s nominee meant I was somehow a racist. I really was sick of it all and most of my “friends” were still so immersed in politics there was nothing else to discuss. I just dropped out. I want to escape myself more than anything and “erasing:” everyone that mattered meant I did not have to be me anymore.
>
>     Let me also be clear that Rake Morgan is his own person with his own thoughts and ideas, his own history, his own place in the world. My editor, Frank, could only dream of living the life I have. Because we have written about the same subject for so long and from the same political perspective, on the subject of Hillary and politics he could have written half of what I wrote and vice versa. The difference is that I knew Hillary whereas he has only met her as a writer and editor. He tends to be nicer both in person and in his writing. He is also younger than me. On the other hand, I am better looking than he is (doesn’t take much).
>
>     From the length of this email it looks like I had something to say to you. Thanks for giving me the chance to do so.
>
>     — Rake
>
>     PS I just read what I wrote and have never sounded less confident in what I had to say. I don’t know what I am doing right now but will figure it out.

>                 — On Mon, 7/7/08, Rake Morgan <rake@hillaryclintonquarterly.com> wrote:
>                 From: Rake Morgan <rake@hillaryclintonquarterly.com> Subject: MySpace To: nicoleena1@yahoo.com Date: Monday, July 7, 2008, 1:40 PM
>                     Hi, Nicole —
>
>                     It is a little embarrassing to have put you through so much trouble to contact me. I apologize. You might say that I have been on a mini “vacation” from life for a few days. With my friend coming to visit for a few days, I just felt overwhelmed and all my online activities seemed unreal to me so I dumped MySpace, stopped posting to A Rake’s Progress other than a July 4th graphic, and stopped updating the Quarterly.
>
>                     I think I feel more disillusioned and disappointed these days than I have been willing to admit. This is not at all about you, I wish I could assure you of that. I enjoyed our banter, confessions, and harmless flirting. I need to regain my sea-legs here to get back to things.
>
>                     Thanks for tracking me down and writing. I will stay in touch with you if that is OK.
>
>                     — Rake
>
>”Keeping Up With Hillary Since 1992.”

Rake Morgan Co-Editor, The Hillary Clinton Quarterly Editor,
A Rake’s Progress
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Computer

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Death is like when your computer screen freezes. It just stops working. You frantically push at the keys but nothing happens. In desperation you think you will reboot the computer. You try that. Again nothing happens. The screen stays frozen. Eventually you give up. You sit looking at the screen, not moving, silently looking, frozen, just like the computer screen.