Even “gay friendly” shows like Modern Family send the wrong message to teens.

Both victims?

Like much of the country, I am stunned and saddened by the death of Rutgers student, Tyler Clementi. This is the young man who committed suicide after his roommate and another student streamed a live Internet broadcast of him and another man in a sexual situation.

Some of the media reports have quoted gay activists who suggest that if Tyler had been with a woman, not much would have been made of the broadcast, if it had been broadcast at all. No surprise to anyone, despite marvelous progress in granting gays more civil rights and, in some quarters, a greater understanding and acceptance by straights, there is still a burdensome bias and intolerance of gays in much of society. Tyler’s suicide proves that.

What I find distressing, however, is the often two-faced approach to homosexuality that appears in television programs that are ostensibly “gay friendly.” Case in point: last night’s episode of ABC’s Modern Family.

While most of the world was focused on “The Kiss” between gay partners Cam and Mitchell, what stuck me was the anti-gay message the show gave teens about homosexuality. In this episode, thirteen year-old Alex is anguishing over her new boyfriend and is confused about how aggressive or laid-back she should be in letting him know of her interest. She faces a “kissing crisis” of her own.

In one scene, Alex is counseled that she needs to let this boy know that she likes him, lest he think that she is (gasp!) a lesbian. Sister Haley points out that Alex’s flip-flops are an ominous clue that she might be gay. Mother Claire seems to go along with this warning. So, they seem to say, go after that boy if for no other reason than to prove you aren’t gay. What terrible advice — for Alex and for other young teens who are coming to terms with their sexuality.

Now, I am not advocating that we need another gay character on the cast of Modern Family. Cam and Mitch do an admirable, if sometimes over-the-top,  job of giving viewers a peek at gay life. What was missing in the advice given to Alex, however, was some reassurance from Mom that being gay is OK if that’s what you think you are. It didn’t need to be a speech or a lecture. Just a few reassuring words would have made the point to Alex and to many young teens that they needn’t be ashamed of who they are.

I know it’s no consolation to Tyler Clementi’s family, but in a tragic way their son’s suicide has made many people more aware of the prejudice and hatred faced by gays. If I can’t watch a sitcom without thinking about the way it portrays gays, that must be some sort of progress.

A new biographical timeline about Hillary Clinton.

There are a few other chronologies about Hillary Clinton out there on the Internet, but most of them have been abandoned, it seems, and either end rather abruptly after her presidential campaign or are simply incomplete.

The Hillary Clinton Quarterly has put together a more current and complete timeline of the major events and accomplishments in Hillary Clinton’s life. The new timeline starts with Hillary’s birth in 1947 and continues through daughter Chelsea’s wedding this past July. The editor at HCQ promises to keep the timeline current and to add new items during earlier periods in Hillary’s life.

You can reach the HCQ chronology here.

Why don’t women listen to us?

For most men, trying to figure out how a woman’s mind works is a lifetime quest. Some of us are as thick as bricks and we need to re-learn the same lessons over and over again. Second, women are complex creatures who revel in their complexity. Just when we think we understand, we find out we don’t. They like it that way.

Men try to apply the rules of science, proof, empirical evidence, logic, to a creature not always logical or subject to predictable outcomes. Like certain experiments we were forced to do in high school chemistry class, no matter how many times we did them, the results were always the same. And that was the point. Predictability.

Most men learned the rules of relationships with women learned early on. One of the most important  rules states that when a woman is telling you about her problems, going on breathlessly, tearfully, about whatever ghastly thing happened to her, for god’s sake DO NOT TRY TO SOLVE HER PROBLEM! We have been well-schooled on this. She is just venting. Emoting. Sharing. Our job is to listen, eyes wide open, nodding our heads. Our job is to be sympathetic. “Gee, that’s really awful, honey.” “That was terrible. You must feel badly.” Etc.

Of course, it is a rare man who can faithfully play this role of do-nothing listener. All of our instincts compel us to dive in with a solution. So we do dive in. We hit the bottom of the pool almost instantaneously because the pool is empty. We could see that it was empty. But we dove in anyway, tried to offer a bit of advice on how to solve the problem, and immediately cracked open our heads.

Served us right. And chances are, the woman who was counting on us to listen sympathetically, has torn herself away from us angrily, rejecting us, because we were so stupid for not knowing that our job was to listen. Only listen. “You just don’t get it, do you?” she spits at us.

No, we don’t. But we try.

So that’s one lesson.

Here’s a new one. It’s tricky, so we must be careful with this rule, too.

Your wife, lover, significant other, whatever, comes to you and SPECIFICALLY ASKS FOR YOUR ADVICE. Do you give it? Do you double-check to make sure you heard correctly? “Dear, are you really asking me for advice?”

The safe thing is to double-check to make sure you heard correctly and that she has specifically asked for your advice. This is a totally different scenario than the venting, crying, emotional outpouring event we discussed earlier. Is it a trick question? No, you seem to have a clear opening here. She wants and asks for help. So now you can pour it on, show her how helpful and knowledgeable you are. If, indeed, it is about a subject in which you excel, all the better. You will save the day, save her, and save yourself!

In this instance she listens attentively. She nods her head. Maybe she asks a few questions for clarification. That’s a good sign. Chances are, she is NOT taking notes — that’s a bad sign and a clue as to what is really going on here. We’ll get to that. So instead you write down notes to give her. “Get so and so. Do such and such. After that try this and that.” It is all very clear, rational, intelligent, helpful, well-meant.

It sounds so good what can possibly be the problem?

After getting the green light and offering your expertise, after seeing the evidence of her listening, nodding, agreeing, smiling because you are offering to solve her problem, you think as a rational being might think that she will use your advice.

WRONG!

There’s a better than even chance that she won’t.

“Why not?” you ask.

Here’s the new lesson about women that we need to learn or risk becoming madmen: The asking of advice, for a woman, is a social event. It is not really an effort to solve a problem, accomplish something. From her perspective, the arrival of a problem or the need to do something new is a reason for more social interaction — with you, with other men, with women, with anyone!

YOU are part of the process. Your willingness to communicate a solution is her reward, not your wisdom, the mechanics of your idea. And it goes on. From person to person to person. From each she asks for help, advice, and she gets it. It’s the communication — the social activity — of asking for and getting advice that matters, not the solution.

In the final analysis, some consensus of advice will emerge for our female Diogenes, like a recipe that has been passed from cook to cook, each one adding or subtracting some spice or other ingredient, until it is a totally new dish.

And that’s how it is with her. She takes a bit from each chef and the truth of a solution emerges. More importantly — actually the reason for all this anyway — is that she makes personal, human contact with her friends and lovers and family.

Sometimes that’s all the help she wants.

You’re not fat, you’re sexy!

For several months, whenever I surfed over to the Minnesota Tribune to see how the T-Wolves basketball team was doing, the sports page featured an ad for a weight loss program having something to do with Rachel Rae.

The ad shows a woman wearing a red shirt, who then goes through the diet and loses 25 pounds. After going through this metamorphosis, she turns into the anorexic-looking waif in the white t-shirt. The ads tell me that her name is Jenny.

Jenny looking healthy and sexy!

Jenny looking sickly and nearly transparent!

There’s no question in my mind that the woman at the top looks healthier, happier, sexier, and more natural. The new version of Jenny appears emaciated to me.

With whom would I rather cuddle and watch a good movie (and eat PLENTY of buttered popcorn)? Obviously, the red-shirted version of Jenny. I have visions of trying to hug emaciated Jenny and grabbing a stiff and noisy bag of bones. No, thank you!

Do I really need to talk about the cultural and marketing forces making women think they need to lose those aesthetically beautiful 25 pounds? My worst fear is that the fashion and diet industries are playing off the naturally competitive nature of women to be the sexiest bitch on the block.

Men are not the ones pushing this idea — women are. And they ought to stop and learn to love who they are and how they look. Sure, stay healthy, but 25 pounds is NOT going to shorten your life span or make you a failure in bed.

My great-grandma, who lived well into her 90s,  was right — a few extra pounds are both healthy and attractive on a woman — men, too, I think.

On  positive note, I have been using the Dove Real Body campaign to show my students how marketing and advertising can be a positive force for building self-esteem in women. It is a great campaign.

Here’s a video showing how the “beauty” industry bombards girls with unrealistic and harmful body stereotypes –

But my all-time favorite image of the healthy woman comes from Renoir’s “Bathers.” Any woman who looks like this — or Jenny pre-anorexia –  is welcome to come to Rake’s place and take a nice warm bath.

Free bubble bath and a back rub!

Renoir's classic beauties look healthy and sensuous.